Now that I am reading more and more blogs of others, I'm finding myself not only too entranced in them to stop and write my own, but evermore envious of their authors' great topics, style, and general writing ability. Who has time? I guess if I didn't spend so much time reading others' then I'd have more time to write. But my writing would be much less inspired (could it be?). It's a very circular problem. I'll work on that later.
For now, I'm too busy staring down the barrel of my last week of "freedom" from work. Okay, taking care of two kids in diapers (oh wait, one! Ian's in underwear for good now!) *IS* work, but you know what I mean. The kind of work where I need to look (and act) respectable... I have to get up and out of the house at a specific time... I have to be knowledgeable about something other than peek-a-boo, animated movie one-liners, or where today's favorite toy for each child is hiding (probably in our disgustingly dirty car). Yes, as of a week from this morning, I am accountable to an institution, and in return will receive a paycheck (yay!). While we've already spent the first year's worth (if not in actuality, then most definitely in our big plans), it is still very exciting on many levels.
Two years, ten months, eleven days since I went on maternity leave with Ian. I think it has just occurred to me what exactly it is I am so nervous about. Since becoming a mother, my priorities have shifted so dramatically that I am afraid I am no longer capable of being a totally dedicated employee. I don't know how to focus on work in the way I will need to (the way I used to...), when my focus has so clearly been on these two little darlings at home. I'm afraid of being less than 100% at work, but how can I be completely present when all it would take is a call telling me that one of them is hurt or crying and I will want to bolt out of there so fast heads will spin?? Hmmmm, tough one. I guess I will need to find the balance that will allow me to feel professionally fulfilled, while continuing to strengthen my bonds and attachment with Ian & Maggie in my time with them. It just may take some practice...
2 comments:
It's just a different kind of 100%. Whereas pre-kids, your mind might have occasionally wandered to what fabulous restaurant you and Matt would be eating at that evening, now you'll be thinking about scooping up your kids when you get home. Downside, makes you want to hug them right then and there. Upside, makes you more focused on the task at hand because you know you'll be careening out of there lickity-split come quittin' time (or when you get the sick call). You'll do great!
I agree, you'll do great with that balancing.
You are worrying about the right things, but try not to worry too much. You are easing into a new stage of managing Mom and Career and both are good things.
I love you,
Mom
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